


hold tight for this ride

by whispersbrave



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 18:33:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispersbrave/pseuds/whispersbrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Boyfriend, huh, I like the sound of that,” Liam smiles, as he leans closer to Zayn, till his lips – they are still chapped, he did leave the house in a hurry that morning and he hardly ever wears chapstick or lip balm as it is, even though Lou has told them off countless times for that, glaring as she told him off – are hovering above Zayn’s. </p><p>or in other words, i don’t really have a summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hold tight for this ride

**Author's Note:**

> here’s the thing, this was meant to be a halloween fluff piece, but apparently i’ve run out of the fluff quota that i have been given, so here is a one shot, that makes no sense to me, and i haven’t read over it, because this is on queue and i have tests to study for so, if there are any errors, turn around and read ahead! 
> 
> but here it is, a huge mess of all the ziam feels harbouring in me since the, cough, engagement has been announced. there are slight mentions about it, but otherwise it’s mostly angsty!ziam, just the way i like it! 
> 
> also, the title is from high for this by the weeknd because i’m currently very obsessed. as if i needed another obsession my life..

**i.**

Louis pounds on his door, and he groans as he slips out of his sofa. He shouldn’t have called Louis to come up with an excuse; he just didn’t want to be amongst people wasted and in a heavy costume, but when he’d called Louis up to apologize and give him a reason for his absence, Louis had seen through it. Louis had sighed, I told you this shit fucks you up, Li, and Liam had groaned and just hung up with a stomach hurts. That was three hours ago, he should have known that Louis would come over – either to be supportive or be an ass, three years later Liam still has difficulty in predicting Louis and his antics. Louis Tomlinson, Liam believes and rightly so, is a tornado; you will never know the costs of the havoc he creates until after he’s passed by. And this is why, Liam isn’t looking too forward to seeing the man outside his door.

“I know you’re in there, Payne, I can see your car out here,” Louis’ voice in sharp and determined; many people know Louis as the guy who adventurous, amiable, loving and all kinds of crazy, but Louis is one of the most caring, loving and generous person Liam has ever met, and when he is really concerned about somebody, he is determined to make them feel better. Usually, Liam would love him for it but right now, he hates it. He sighs as he pulls the sleeves of his sweat shirt, well, it’s actually Zayn’s but Liam can’t remember the last time his closet only had his clothes – ever since One Direction formed, his closet has been a mess of Niall’s hoodies and tank tops, Louis’ band shirts and when he went through that extremely questionable phase of wearing striped shirts all the time, Harry’s countless plaid shirts ones that Liam borrowed and Harry forgot at Liam’s house, and Zayn’s sweatshirts or his tshirts or his sweatpants or his leather jackets – as he pads down the hallway, his socked feet in contact with the cold floor as he rubs his eyes before pulling open the door just to be enveloped in Louis’ hug.

“Uh?”

“He’s an ass. He’s my best friend, but he’s an ass, okay? And you deserve so much more, Li,” Louis says with his chin resting on Liam’s shoulder and his arms snaked around Liam’s waist as he pulls Liam close in to him.

“LOUIS. That is not what this is about, okay? I just don’t want to come to the party tonight, Lou. And you should go apologize to him, it’s not his fault,” Liam sighs as he hugs Louis tightly. It’s stupid and selfish, but he’s glad that Louis did what he did. He’d never, ever, ask any of his friends to do that because he can’t ask people to choose sides, but he can’t help but feel a sense of warmness towards Louis because as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, he does hate the idea of him being there with her. Okay, so it’s not that they were official – just because two really good friends occasionally sleep together doesn’t really mean that they are exclusive, right? But Liam still doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like her at all. He wouldn’t be able to put his hatred for her in words even if he tried to.

“I know, babe, I know,” Louis says as he rubs Liam’s back, pressing a kiss to his cheeks, “but I was pissed, and he happened to be the first person in the line of fire. He doesn’t mind it, actually, he looked like somebody had strangled his dog before I blew up on him. He didn’t look that sad after,” Louis shrugs as he releases Liam from his hug, and ruffles his hair before entering the house, and plopping himself on the sofa in front of the television. “I still think you should come. You already bought a costume, and there will some good looking guys there, Liam. Girls, too,” Louis murmurs as Liam sits on the sofa next to him with his legs pulled up to his chest.

“Lou, I really don’t want to. It’s really nothing, to be honest. I am just going to spend the time off sleeping and watching movies. How often do we get such nice breaks? I’d rather spend it relaxing than waking up with a hangover,” Liam smiled, his pink lips spreading over his face, fondly. “And before you say anything, it’s not because of Zayn and P – her, okay? I just don’t feel like partying.”

“Liam. You can lie to Niall, or Harry, and get away with it. But not me. You know, you can’t, babe. I was the first person who figured it out, do you remember? You tried lying about it so many times, but I knew it. I knew, Li, that you loved him and that’s why he means so much to you. And,” Louis stops because the look on Liam’s face breaks his heart, and he isn’t here to hurt him or cause him more pain because Liam might look like a man, he does in fact, a very very hot man but he’s fucking sensitive, and Louis has this overwhelming need to protect the man sitting in front of him. “Hey, hey,” Louis starts as he wraps his arms around Liam and pulls him in to his chest, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “you don’t have to come, alright? I just figured you’re going to sit here, and keep thinking about it and I didn’t want you to overthink it, Li. I love you so much, and I don’t want you to sit here and put yourself down, babe.”

“I, Louis, it sucks. And I really wanted to come today, but he’s going to be there and she’s going to be there too and it is just going to be like everything that happened doesn’t mean to him, that I don’t mean anything to him more than a friend or an occasional fuck,” Liam mumbles.

“You do, Li, you mean more to him than you could imagine. He just doesn’t know it himself, yet,” Louis murmurs, softly, as he rubs Liam’s back, comforting him, “or he’s deluded himself in to thinking that you don’t care much either, because of both of you like dancing around one another, rather than coming clean.”

“He’s with her, Lou, they are engaged,” Liam sighs as he nuzzles closer to Louis, and his mind goes back to the Monday night when Zayn had announced it; he had called them all over, and he said he had something really big to talk to all the boys about. Liam as usual had worried and had driven to Zayn’s house as soon as he could – for once, he had driven really fast, surprising himself in the process because he never drives fast and the only time he slowed down was upon reaching Zayn’s house his eyes landing on a car that was not Zayn’s; a car that was way too familiar for Liam’s liking, and he didn’t like it one bit parked in Zayn’s driveway as if it belonged in there – and that’s when he felt his heart plummet to the ground, and yeah, it’s been plummeting ever since. Because whenever he thinks things can’t end up worse, they do.

“Li, you can’t beat yourself up for that, okay? You’re still his best friend,” Louis smiles, softly.

“Best friend,” Liam scoffs as he pulls away and gets up on his feet. “Louis, do you know how shitty that makes me feel? Anyway, don’t you have a party to host?”

“I do, but I have a best friend who needs me more, you know? I kind of have my priorities right for once,” Louis shrugs, a mischievous smile playing at his lips.

“Lou, go to your party. I’m going to pop in some movie, order pizza and sleep,” Liam says, pulling Louis up on to his feet and steadying him. “Go, the last time you left Niall and Harry in charge of a party, remember what happened?” Liam asks, smiling.

“Yeah, I do. But it’s 3 in the afternoon right now, Li, nothing going on at my house at the moment,” Louis chuckles as he wraps his arms around Liam once again. He smiles in to the hug, his stubble scraping against the thin material of the sweatshirt Liam is wearing. “You sure you’re going to be okay?” He asks as he pulls away, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “because I can stay as long as you want me too.”

Liam chuckles, “I know you can, but right now, I just want to stay alone. I’ll be fine, Lou. You know me, I always look after myself,” Liam smiles as pats Louis’ cheeks, and Louis smiles, suddenly looking a lot smaller and younger and softer than he did ten minutes ago. Louis hums in agreement as he squeezes Liam’s shoulders with a smile and makes his way towards the door, throwing a small grin towards Liam and then his eyes flash with worry and concern – or Liam thinks so, because it was so momentarily – and its gone again with a bye, babe.

Liam hears the door close, as he whirls around on his heels and instead of going back to the living room, he takes a left from the foyer and meeting with the wooden steps with the black railing. It sounds so mundane, now that he thinks about it, but it was those steps that had influenced his decision to buy this house. They were warm and welcoming, brown like the stairs in the house he grew up in. The bottom one didn’t creak when he stepped on it, like the one at home did, but it reminded him of home. Even the feel of the smooth stairs against his socked feet was the same. The stairs may have been the deciding factor, but he loved his house. He had fallen in love with the first day he saw it, and every other house he saw, just wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t huge or as luxurious as Harry’s house, or Niall’s penthouse, or Louis’ place in London, or Zayn’s mansion – who the hell spends two million pounds on a house, with a pool, when you can’t swim? – but it’s good enough for him.

He is on top of the stairs, just turning in to his bedroom, when the bell rings again. He sighs, if it’s Louis again, Liam doesn’t care that Louis is one of his best friends, he will castrate the brunette. He whirls around on his heels, and makes his way downstairs, once again, thinking he should just hand the keys over to Louis but then Liam does really love his privacy. One can only spend so much time with such a small group without everything they do getting on your nerves, and seeing Liam spends almost his entire year in a tour bus, it doesn’t matter how big it is, it still is a small confined place; he really loves coming back home away from the continuous loud chatter of the boys and their crew. Though sometimes, he likes turning up the music really high because the quietness of the empty house sometimes feels really eerie, but once he settles in to the easy silence of the house it’s hard for him to adjust in to the hustle bustle of One Direction.

“Louis, I swear,” Liam stops, as he pulls the door open to find somebody who is totally not Louis standing in front of him. It’s Zayn, in a pair of black jeans and white cotton top under a blue denim jacket with his sleeves rolled up. His hair isn’t quiffed like it usually is, Liam realizes as his eyes scan Zayn, it’s a mess on his forehead and it somehow makes him look soft and cuddly. But the stubble on his jaw makes him look really sexy. Liam blinks. Zayn’s engaged, he reminds himself,

“Zayn,” he breathes instead. “Hey,” it’s soft, and Zayn’s eyes are focused on the floor, and his hands tucked in the front of his pockets, shying away from Liam.

“I thought I’d stop by before you start getting ready for Louis’ party. We haven’t spoken, Li, in a very long time,” his eyes, when they focus on Liam, are soft and sad. “Yeah, well,” Liam lets it be as he moves away from the door, and Zayn makes his way in, his feet shuffling like they do when he’s nervous and not at all feeling confident. And Liam hates the way he knows all of those things, because they make getting over Zayn just a little harder.

“You’ve been ignoring me,” Zayn confronts, and Liam knows with the way Zayn’s eyes narrow that he’s trying to be brave but the way he bites his lips as he looks up at Liam, tells Liam otherwise. Liam sighs, and Zayn continues, “if I didn’t know better, I’d say that it was because of –”

“You are engaged,” Liam exhales, “you are engaged, and I’m in love with you, Zayn. What do you expect me to, prance around like I’m okay with this when I’m not? Because I can’t do that, and you can’t say you didn’t know what this was to me, you knew it and stringed me along. You said, it wasn’t something serious. That it was not exclusive, and fuck, if it didn’t mean so much to you, why the engagement?” Liam explodes, his hushed up anger releasing from him.

“Liam,” Zayn starts, as he moves a little closer to Liam. Liam takes a step back, and Zayn stops, looking like someone ran over his puppy. He takes a moment, several deep breaths, to compose himself, “I’m so sorry, Li. You know, I’d never do this to you or her. I just didn’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice, Zayn,” Liam pauses to take a breath, “you should leave. Now.” The look on Zayn’s face causes Liam to close his eyes, he looks devastated, and it’s because Liam won’t hear him out. Zayn really needs Liam to listen to him, to know that he hasn’t hurt Liam on purpose because the last thing Zayn would ever want to do is hurt Liam.

“I really am sorry, Li,” and with that Zayn is walking out the door. Liam lets him.

 

**ii.**

Liam arrived at Louis’ house about half an hour ago, when the party was in full swing, thinking he’d have a good time. Obviously, a twenty year old would prefer to party with his friends, rather than sit at home sulking away because of a guy – it doesn’t really matter that the guy in question is Zayn Malik, Liam’s best friend – who is busy being kissed by his fiancé. Liam snorts, as he chugs down his drink. Shouldn’t one look comfortable, have an easy smile on their face, when being kissed by the love of their life, Liam thinks to himself.

On the other hand, Zayn looks like somebody is suffocating him. Maybe Liam is jealous, maybe he does hate the blondie in Zayn’s arms at the moment, but he’s got every right to. See, Liam tries not to get attached to people really easily – but being in One Direction made that quite hard especially Zayn. Liam had clung on to Zayn as if his life depended on it, Zayn was his rock, his best friend. And soon enough, Liam started to realize that the feeling in his stomach – the really tight knot – wasn’t going to go away soon enough. What he started to feel then, Liam had realized, wasn’t what one feels for their best friend. Not wanting to lose his friendship, something he learnt to depend on, with Zayn, he had tried to bury his feelings deeps – until Zayn struck, and had kissed him one night while Liam was spending the night at Zayn’s house watching Iron Man 3, again. And it was bliss. Every waking moment he spent with the sun kissed man was just something out of a book – happy, light, and absolutely no drama.

Good things don’t last forever, do they?

Soon enough, Zerrie were announced, and fuck it if it didn’t feel like somebody had clutched his heart a little too tight. Call him naïve, or whatever, but he thought that the late nights watching movies, cuddling, the sex, spending nights at each other’s houses meant something to Zayn like it did to him, but apparently it didn’t. It obviously didn’t mean anything to Zayn, if the girl lavishing his neck is anything to go by, and the ‘it’s nothing serious, Li, we aren’t even exclusive or anything. You know I really care about you, and I wouldn’t do this to you, if I had a choice,’ has Liam wondering; how come when one isn’t serious about a relationship, a girl, why would one marry the said girl?

Three months later, Liam is still wondering the same thing.

“You came,” he hears Louis’ voice, before he feels a pair of arms go around his waist, “look at you, walking personification of sex, in that outfit, Li,” Louis chuckles and Liam blushes. Liam is dressed in a Captain America costume, he was Batman last year, and Zayn, on many accounts, had told him he’d make a great Captain America, and maybe Liam Payne would replace Chris Evans in the movies. So when Halloween was around the corner and Louis’ party preparations in full swing, Liam had found himself ordering a Captain America costume, and just before leaving for the party, he had taken a good glance in the mirror. And he knew he looked good. The clingy material of the costume accentuated his muscles, making him look much more muscular than he already was. And yeah, Liam thinks that’s a good incentive to make Zayn jealous.

And, apparently, Louis is aiming for a superhero theme tonight as well, from what Liam can tell – you know, from the Iron Man costume and all. It’s the same costume that Louis bought with Zayn, Liam would know, Zayn spent an hour laughing about how obsessive Louis was about the right Iron Man costume; _‘I swear to God, Li, all Iron Man costumes were exactly the same, but no, not to him. He must have tried out about thirty different costumes. Who the fuck does that? He’s such a fussy little shit, Liam’ imitating Louis he had said, ‘can I have the one with the darker red? Wait the gold is too dull, can I have something bright? Oh no, that’s too bright_ ’ had Liam laughing too.

“Well, I’d say the same thing, but it’s not really shocking since you’re Louis Tomlinson and all that,” Liam chuckles, it’s low and soft but it’s genuine. There is something about being with Louis, on days when you just feel like curling up in a ball and crying.

“As glad as I am that you showed, Payne,” Louis chuckles, “I’m really hoping you aren’t planning on murdering any one, or more specifically, Perrie at my party. I don’t like her either, but I like to avoid unnecessary murders,” he waves a hand. “Get around, drink, have fun. And that means, forget a certain band mate-slash-best friend turned lover,” Louis orders, his voice firm despite the smile playing on his lips, as he squeezes Liam’s left shoulder in comfort.

“Yeah, okay,” Liam says, his tone explicitly telling Louis that he doesn’t plan on doing any of those things, and Louis shakes his head fondly as he walks away muttering to himself. When Louis turns around, to take one last look at Liam to make sure that the grown, manly yet sensitive Liam was okay with what was happening in front of him, he finds Liam’s eyes still focused on Zayn and Perrie.

He’s in way too deep, Louis thinks to himself and feels sorry for Liam. Because this, what is happening at the moment, sucks. Liam throws a grin at Louis, when he feels Louis looking at him, to make sure that he does know that Liam is actually fine, almost perfect actually.

See, the reason he came here was to show Zayn that he isn’t going to ruin Halloween for Liam, and that’s exactly what Liam plans on doing. Except it’s hard to pry his eyes away from Zayn in his costume, really hard. Zayn might not be bulging in places with muscles, but he’s lean and thin and tall, and it looks really good in his outfit. He’s dressed as a vampire, Zayn is. As usual, Liam thinks, he can pull the look off. A white collared t-shirt tucked in a pair of black skinny jeans, and over that he’s wearing a long, black jacket. It almost looks like the jacket he wore for the premiere of their movie but it isn’t, the color is richer, blacker, darker, and the inside of it is a deep rich red. It’s not entirely vampirely but the fangs, the red contacts that replace his natural honey brown eyes, and the fake blood around his lips pulls the look together quite nicely.

Also, Liam just really wants to kiss those lips.

And those thoughts aren’t really helping him, Liam thinks to himself as he turns away and walks towards the bar.

He needs a drink. And he needs to have fun. It’s Halloween, and he needs to forget about Zayn, for tonight. There are sweaty bodies dancing in the middle of the room and Liam literally has to push people to make way to the bar, and he can spot Harry in his devil costume dancing in the middle along with Niall in his football costume – it’s not actually a costume, Liam laughs to himself. It’s just a football jersey, something Niall would wear on a normal day but that’s what he’s wearing to this Halloween party. And that’s just like Niall, Liam thinks to himself as he walks towards the bar. It’s quite full, the bar, and if Liam really wanted he could just sneak downstairs, in the basement, and pull out a beer from Louis’ mini fridge. But he doesn’t want to, and he wants something stronger than a beer.

“Vodka,” he asks, as he leans on the illuminated table – Louis does really go all out when it comes to parties, doesn’t he?

“Coming right up,” the bar tender, with blue bambi eyes, blonde hair, and the neck line of her shirt a little too deep, “would you want anything else?”

“Rum and coke,” Liam stiffens as he hears a familiar voice. He is about to walk away, he does need a drink but he’ll come back when Zayn isn’t here. It’s really hard, for Liam, to be around him. But he feels a hand on his arm, keeping him in place, “Liam, stay.”

“I need – I thought I heard Harry call me, I’ll be right back,” Liam exhales out his sorry excuse of an excuse; how would he have heard Harry over the loud music is beyond him, and despite his wishes that Zayn would release his arm, Zayn doesn’t. “I need to go, Zayn, I’ll be right back.”

“Harry isn’t calling you, Liam. And if you leave, you aren’t going to come back because you’re ignoring me,” Zayn says, and Liam sighs. “I really am sorry, Li. I can’t. You’re my best mate, Liam. And I know what I did was terrible, and you have every right to hate me, but please don’t. Don’t hate me, Li,” He sounds so small, and vulnerable it makes Liam’s heart ache. People wouldn’t usually associate vulnerability with Zayn, and Liam hates those people for judging Zayn without even knowing him because Zayn is like a hard candy. Touch to break from the outside but incredibly soft and gooey from the inside.

“I, Zayn, I can’t,” Liam shakes his head. “Come with me, Zayn,” he sighs as he grabs Zayn’s arm, leading him upstairs to Louis’ room without even thinking twice about it. Yes, it’s hard being in the same room as Zayn, being close to him but never close enough but hurting him, knowing that Zayn thinks that Liam is spending his time hating him, that’s harder. Only if Zayn knew. Liam couldn’t hate him if his life depended on it, that’s just how much he was in deep when it came to Zayn. The door opens, without a creak unlike Louis’ old house, and Liam closes it behind Zayn. Glancing at Zayn, he sighs, this is going to be hard.

“Zayn, I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you if I wanted to. You’re under my skin. You suffocate me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to kiss you, all the fucking time. I want to be with you like you’re with – her, but I can’t. Zayn. We can’t be together and it’s hard to be with you, Zee, but not be with you is killing me. And we can’t do anything about it because, you’re hers and she’s yours, and I’m not in the picture anymore,” he rattles off, his thoughts being translated in to his speech because he really isn’t thinking. He knows if he thinks about what is going through his mind he’ll wimp out and he’ll never tell Zayn what he wants to.

And apparently, it’s more than enough for Zayn. Zayn – who always takes the initiative when it comes to Liam – grips his face in his palms, gently but there is this sense of urgency, as if he doesn’t do this right now, he’s never going to do it. His lips, Liam realizes, feel exactly the same. Smooth and soft, and there is this lingering taste of coffee, vanilla and cigarettes; and yeah, Liam’s missed that taste so much.

“Yours, always yours, Li,” Zayn murmurs as he peppers Liam’s clean shaven jaw – Captain America and stubble doesn’t really merge well together, in Liam’s opinion – with kisses, desperate kisses.

“Zayn,” Liam sighs, as he pushes Zayn away. He doesn’t want to but he has to, “your fiancé is waiting downstairs for you. I don’t think she’ll be too happy about you making out with your best friend while she’s waiting for you,” he says with a sad smile. He was desperate, and in that one moment of weakness he let Zayn kiss him, and fuck that just ruined his entire stay away from Zayn thing he had going.

“You should go, Zee. Wouldn’t want to keep her waiting for long, would you?”

“Li-,” Zayn says, “one day, I will tell you the truth, when I’m not too embarrassed by it. I promise you, that I will and maybe then you’d stop looking at me like I pulled your heart out and stomped on it.” He pauses. “I did just that, didn’t I? I am really sorry, Li.”

Liam smiles, “stop apologizing, Zayn, we can’t do anything about it.”

“We can. Well, I can, Li,” and he walks out of the room with such determination that makes Liam believe that he could conquer the world if he really wanted to. Zayn is just one of those people, he thinks to himself as he stares after Zayn.

**iii.**

When he comes to, the first thing he hears is his phone blaring on the nightstand, and the loud ringing tone of whoever caller is doesn’t really help his pounding headache. “Hello?” he croaks, as he accepts the call without even looking at the user id, he can’t be bothered because there are only handful of people who call Liam on his cell phone: his parents or Paul. He usually texts his sisters, if he has to because to them he is still the dorky younger brother they can’t be bothered being affiliated with – they are proud of him, but he’s still their younger brother – and he already spends all day with the boys; they hardly ever talk over the phone. The only reason he has them in his phone book is purely for emergency purposes.

Apparently, it’s one of them, because the person on the other line is not his mum, or Paul, or his father but Louis. If that’s not surprising, it’s eight in the morning – in Louis and Zayn’s books that’s like four in the morning and if anybody dare wake them up on a day they have an off, they threaten to slice of their heads.

“Call Zayn,” is what Louis says, when Liam finally becomes accustomed to his surroundings. He doesn’t remember coming home from Louis’ party last night, but he did, and he was in his senses long enough to switch the itchy costume for a pair of grey sweats. The same sweats that he got photographed in on his balcony – with his dick almost on display.

“It’s eight in the morning, Louis. He’s going to kill me. Why?” Liam asks, groaning. He needs water, his throat is dry as the desert and it feels like everything he ate at the party and before was coming up.

“What happened between the two of you when you snuck in to my room to talk?” Louis asks, he sounds as if he is on the brink of either pulling his own hair or shaving off Zayn’s and Liam’s.

“We. Nothing, we just spoke about stuff. And then he walked out saying he was going to fix something, and oh my God what did he do, Lou?” Liam questions, as he remembers seeing him and Perrie fighting in the corner of Louis’ fucking huge garden, and he remembers how he just walked out thinking _they are engaged, a couple and couples have their issues. Zayn doesn’t need me to protect him from anything._

“I don’t know, for sure, because the stupid prick won’t pick up his phone and I am still too hung over to drive to his place. Liam, Paul called me. Apparently, Zayn’s leaving,” Louis says, with definitive pauses in the middle as he is trying to ready Liam for the blow while at the same time dealing with himself. And Liam is quite under the influence of the alcohol from last night.

“Leaving for?” Liam asks, stupidly.

“Not for, Li,” Louis says, softly, “leaving the band.”

Liam’s eyes widen, because no, Zayn loves this. He may not be all in to the spot light, but he loves the touring and he loves seeing the world, and meeting fans when he does. He adores this life. Some people are born for it, like Zayn. The spot light loves Zayn, and Zayn loves singing. And “what?”

“Yeah, uh, I don’t know. But he won’t pick his phone up. I even called Perrie, and you know how much I hate talking to her out of loyalty to you, but she isn’t even picking up and I’m quite worried. Wait, I just got a text,” there is a moment of pause and a scruffle and a shit, “Haz just left to look for him, and Niall still hasn’t replied so that means there is no luck for the Irish.”

“Wait, am I the last one to find out about this?” Liam asks.

“Uh, yeah. We didn’t want to worry you. Zayn is a dramatic prick anyway. But when he has vanished off the face of earth I figured you might know where he went because best friends turned soul mates might give you more insight on what goes in Zayn’s head than the regular old band mates,” Louis shrugs, and Liam knows that he is worried as hell but he’s going to play it off lightly because that’s what Louis does. People think Zayn’s the mystery? It’s Louis. Louis Tomlinson who plays his hand at everything, and when things don’t work out the way he expects them to, he’ll play it off lightly, while worrying about it enough to grow a white hair.

“I might know where he is,” Liam says, slowly and softly. It’s a long shot. It’s a very long shot. But if he knows Zayn like he thinks he does, the chances that Zayn is going to be there are relatively higher than of him being in any other place.

“Of course you do, so Liam, will you be the knight in the shining armor while I try to get rid of this hangover?” Louis asks, a smile audible in his tone.

“Let me just change in to something decent,” Liam says and hangs up, his phone bouncing on the bed threatening to fall when he throws it carelessly.

He walks in to his bathroom, takes a quick shower because he can feel last night’s sweat and alcohol on him – and he wasn’t even there for that long – and warm shower rids him off his headache, but now he’s worrying. He worries, and he cares, and sometimes he wishes he could be one of those people who didn’t care about the world but Liam? Liam has to carry the world on his shoulders. And he does, effortlessly. But sometimes, he wishes he could be selfish. He knows, he knows very well that being with Zayn is nothing but painful for him – he’s still in that stage of a breakup, made ten times worse by the fact that it’s his best friend that he’s losing out on while caressing a broken heart - but here he is, pulling a pair of blue jeans and a burgundy sweatshirt – is it Zayn’s? Liam thinks, because he clearly remembers Zayn in this sweatshirt once when they watched this movie together, Insidious?, but he can’t remember ever borrowing it but he pulls it on anyway. He’ll think about which clothes are Zayn’s and which aren’t later.

He retrieves his wallet from the top of the dressing table and his phone from the midst of his covers as he pulls a pair of shoes on, and rushes down the steps and grabs the keys to his Range Rover, and closes the door behind him without a second thought. He’s hungry, he realizes, when his stomach rumbles, but he’s going to have to suck it up he decides. He could always eat later. And it’s not like he eats often these days either, between the tight packed schedule, he either has time to eat or gym and he chooses gym for more reasons than one. One, it distracts him. Two, he feels relaxed and calm after he spends an hour or two in the gym.

The car doesn’t rumble, of course it doesn’t, when Liam revs up the engine and drives out of the driveway. His knuckles are white because that is just how tightly he’s gripping the steering wheel. He’s thinking about Zayn, it’s not surprising. All he’s thought about for the past few weeks is Zayn. He ran out of luck, didn’t he? There is only so much, so many good things that can happen to one person. He gets to do what he loves; with people he adores – from his band mates to his crew, for people who made this possible, yes, fans, but his parents. If his parents hadn’t supported him, if his father hadn’t walked around with his head held high telling people his son was in that band, the one that had gripped the world, he probably would have never been able to go through with it.

And then he falls in love. Zayn.

Zayn did reciprocate his love, his adoration, his tender touches, even if it were for a time being. But Zayn wasn’t his.

Before he realizes, he is stopping in front of a cabin. The cabin is a fifteen minute drive from Liam’s house, and when he had stumbled upon it, while running to clear his thoughts, he fell in love with it. It was warm, and it was where he came when he wanted to blow off steam. He has never actually been in, because he doesn’t own it and it isn’t up for sale, but behind the cabin is a small bridge over a river that flows southwards.

And Liam, he likes to hang his feet at the edge of the bridge and watch the water flow when he feels suffocated because of his lifestyle. It was, and still is, his escape. One which no one knew about, except Zayn. Liam can see, from where he is standing, the small shape of Zayn’s body perched high on the bridge, his feet hanging low, and his head resting on the stone railings. Liam stays still, among the trees, debating. Should he go talk to Zayn or should he not? There have never been any boundaries, ones that Liam has been scared to cross, between the two of them ever, but there are now. And Liam doesn’t want to cross any, he wants to make sure that in order to be there for Zayn, he isn’t shredding himself away

. “You know, I can feel you,” it’s soft, but clear, when Zayn speaks. He doesn’t move, and Liam can almost pretend that Zayn hasn’t spoken, that he doesn’t know that Liam isn’t here. But he does, so Liam walks towards Zayn, his feet trudging the path he’s walked down before. “If you’re here why I think you are, there is no point,” Zayn says as Liam sits next to Zayn, assuming the same position as him.

“Zayn, this is ridiculous. You love the band, you just can’t leave it. Remember when you told Harry that you were leaving the band and he started crying? Think about that, about how Harry started crying, and we were just starting out then. We’re so close now. Don’t you think if you leave, it would affect us?” Liam starts, hesitance audible in his tone, but he pushes it down.

“I don’t want to know about the band, about the boys. How would it affect you? Because I’m doing it for you,” and that takes Liam by shock, no, Zayn can’t be doing this for him.

“ZAYN!” Liam exclaims, his voice high and layered with surprise and anger and hurt and all these countless emotions that Liam can’t seem to put his finger on.

“Liam,” Zayn turns his head, looking at Liam sharply, “tell me what would you have felt?”

“I- Zayn, that’s just stupid. Yes, I am heartbroken, as childish as that sounds, but I am happy for you. If this is what you want, I am really happy for you, but I can’t show it until I can stop being in the same room as you without feeling like somebody is suffocating me. And I will, I will be there for you as long as you need me to be there,” Liam holds back the tears that are threatening to fall, and he realizes he’s actually telling the truth. Fuck, he’s jealous, and he hates the very sight of that woman but he loves Zayn and he would do anything for him. This is nothing, “I will be there. But you need to give me time, okay? And not do this, don’t leave the band. It would suck because I am so used to having you sleep in the bunk below me, and your early morning tantrums, and your stupid, insanely adorable smile when you’re watching a movie that you have watched a million times, and your voice when you sing because fuck, I have yet to hear a person who sings better than you,” Zayn smiles, it’s a soft, small, watery smile but it’s a smile none the less. “And I do love you,” and Zayn’s smile gets bigger, and it would have hurt less if someone had punched Liam in the stomach, “please stay.”

“I can’t, I actually can’t, Leeyum,” this time, it’s Liam’s turn to smile. He doesn’t remember when Liam turned in to Leeyum and when Leeyum turned in to a personal nickname from Zayn even though Harry and Niall and Louis used to call him the same thing, time and time again. But rolling off Zayn’s tongue, it always makes Liam smile. But then the smile drops, when realization strikes, Zayn’s still leaving. “Why?” Liam finds himself asking. He still has the right to, doesn’t he? He still is, after all this, Zayn’s best friend.

Zayn takes a deep breath, looking small and vulnerable again, “you won’t be able to look at me the same way, if I told you,” he cracks a small, sad smile. The small smile looks so odd on his face, Liam thinks, he is after all, so used to seeing Zayn smile his infamous smile, the hearty one that reaches his eyes with the tongue trapped between his teeth. And Liam is aching for that smile again.

“Try me,” Liam says, his voice soft, and reassuring as he places a palm on Zayn’s wrist, one that Zayn instantly grabs and squeezes.

“I, me and Perrie, we aren’t –” Zayn takes a deep breath, “fuck, this is hard, Li. We aren’t engaged, or in a relationship. We never were,” it comes out hurried and it confuses the hell out of Liam, and it must be visible on his face for Zayn continues with a nod, “when X factor ended, and Little Mix won, they needed a little push to get themselves out in the industry. To make themselves known, and because we, the band, had supported them while they were on the show, Simon called me in. He said that we were lucky enough that we didn’t need publicity stunts to push our career, but that’s just how sometimes things work, and sometimes some acts need a bit more publicity than winning a talent show, so that’s where I came in without you guys. I was to date her, for the sake of paps and getting people to search up who Little Mix were and all that stuff.. I agreed, I wasn’t seeing anyone at that time, and you were with Danielle, and I was just sitting there pining for you, so I agreed to do it. It wasn’t meant to last that long, just till their album or was it a song got released, and then I was supposed to come in and put on a show of being a supportive boyfriend and shit. A couple of months after, we were supposed to end it. But that never happened. You and Danielle ended things, and I was just counting days till Simon would call me and tell me to drop the act but the call never came. And I went along with it, till that night you came in and kissed me,” he chuckles, as he comes out of his daze, “it was probably the best and messiest kiss I have ever had. I was finally getting to kiss you, but you did push me in to wall causing me to bruise easily. But yeah, I loved every moment of it.” He looks up, as if he’s waiting for Liam to snap, and the snap isn’t just coming. “And then it happened more often than not, and I found myself falling deeper for you. But I had the contract to live up to. When Simon called me in a couple of days before the premiere, do you remember?” he doesn’t turn to ask Liam the question, but Liam whispers a yeah anyway, “he told me it wasn’t helping, and I thought he’d tell me how we would be calling it off. When he started talking about the premiere, I figured he meant that Perrie won’t show, but the rest of the band would, stirring a bit of drama and ending things at the same time. But, no, he told me that the premiere would be used as a platform to announce my engagement to Perrie.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell us? Or me? The boys don’t know, Louis would have told me,” Liam starts, because yeah, Zayn is private about his life, really private, but over the last couple of years he opened up to them, let them in wholly, so yeah, it surprises him that Zayn would keep something so big from him. Also, he feels like punching Simon in the face for making Zayn go through this, even though Simon Cowell is almost like a father figure to him.

“I couldn’t, they told me not to, so that you guys could be genuinely happy for me,” Zayn cracks another sad smile, “they didn’t know what happened between the two of us, and that the boys would obviously take your side over this,” he shrugs.

“They wouldn’t do that!” Liam exclaims, “they love you. Why do you think Niall has himself stapled to my side, and Harry yours while Louis goes back and forth between the two of us?” Zayn shrugs, again, and this time round, Liam turns to him, pulls his hand out of Zayn’s grip and puts it on his shoulders instead, “no matter what you do, Zee, we’re all still going to be here. But can I ask you, why would leaving the band solve this?” it’s a question that’s been on his mind, but he didn’t want to impose. “It’s all because I’m in the band, isn’t it?” he replies. “I don’t want you to go, Zee. As I said before, we’re all in this together, and we’re going to back you up in whatever way we can, but I really wouldn’t want you to leave the band. Love you a little too much for that,” Liam smiles, his soft pink lips spread wide over his face, a smile that reaches his eyes.

“I, Liam, I don’t want to do this anymore. Not when if means that I can’t be with you in the way I want to be with you,” Zayn murmurs, his head hung low.

“You – you want to be with me? Properly?” Liam is grinning, wide.

“Yes, you donut. Have I not made this clear enough?” Zayn asks, chuckling at how Liam looks like a kid on Christmas morning.

“The message might have gotten lost, you know, because of the whole engaged thing,” Liam shrugs, still smiling. It’s the first time, ever, that Zayn’s said anything about being serious. About actually being liamandzayn instead of just being Liam and Zayn being with one another. To be one. And yeah, Liam really likes the sound of that.

Zayn pulls a face, it’s a little too adorable for Liam to tease him about it, “please don’t mention that, I’m trying to enjoy the moment of you agreeing to be my boyfriend once I get this mess sorted out.”

“Boyfriend, huh, I like the sound of that,” Liam smiles, as he leans closer to Zayn, till his lips – they are still chapped, he did leave the house in a hurry that morning and he hardly ever wears chapstick or lip balm as it is, even though Lou has told them off countless times for that, glaring as she told him off – are hovering above Zayn’s. If he didn’t know, if he was still in the dark about the whole arrangement with Perrie, Liam would be drowning in guilt. But he isn’t, “can I?”

“Yours, always yours, Leeyum,” rolls of Zayn’s tongue, “you don’t even need to ask.”

And then lips are crashing. It’s a hurried, messy kiss. Desperate too, almost like they are clinging on to another, afraid of letting the other go. Liam’s hands are behind Zayn’s head, holding him there, as they battle for dominance in the kiss, both wanting to, both failing to. While Zayn’s hands are placed at the small of Liam’s back, pulling him closer in to him, as if it isn’t enough, the kissing. As if Zayn needs more, craves more. Not more of this, but of Liam, of moments like these. Intimate, raw, and heartfelt moments, where Zayn and Liam are liamandzayn.


End file.
